COMEDY MONOLOGUES

Here are some sample monologues from Coach Jack Turnbull to choose from… HAVE FUN!

GIRLS:

It was the first day of school, and I was nervous. I was a freshman. My

Screen Shot 2015-08-16 at 11.49.20 AMfriend Cindy said: “Just be normal. There’s lots of cute boys in

High School.” So I tried to be strong as I climbed the steps.

As I got to the top, this guy swings the door open and says, “Hi there, you

must be a freshman”. He was tall and handsome, wearing a letter jacket,

and I melted right there. Not only did I melt, but I tripped and fell

right into him and spilled my backpack. I had forgotten to zip it. Dummy me.

He helped me pick up my stuff and he zipped my backpack, I was SO

EMBARRASSED as I rushed in to find my

home room. He yelled after me… “Hey Zippy, I don’t know your name” and my

boyfriend, Joey Chambers, has called me that ever since. I like it. “Zippy”

 

 

It was raining and my friend Amy called me with a

crazy plan. “Come on, It’s Saturday and we can sneak into the

One Direction concert. I have a friend who can sneak us backstage.”

I LOVE One direction so I yelled “Hello, YES!”. So I grabbed my

clothes and stuff and jumped out the window. After we got

dressed, Her brother dropped us in the parking lot. It was INSANE with

CRAZED fans. Amy said “Follow me” and jumped into the crowd. her

friend took us in a side door. It was dark and as I was

trying to follow them I tripped over

something and hit my head. As I woke up I heard this

voice saying “Are you OK? Hello, Hello?”

In a funny accent. It was HARRY helping me. You know,

HARRY from ONE Direction! YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME?

WELL, SOME KIND OF FRIEND YOU ARE!

 

BOYS:

I hate raisins, I hate them plain, I hate them dipped

in chocolate, I hate them covered with yogurt and I definitely

hate them in my cereal in the morning. So when I saw raisins in

my cereal this morning…I yelled (GROANS) “You

know I hate raisins!”. My little sister says “You get what you get

and you don’t get upset.” So I gave her an evil stare. So my

MOM says, “If you don’t like it, fix your own breakfast”. So I

made me a deluxe peanut butter,

dill pickle and mustard sandwich. “BYE BYE” I yelled and headed

out the door. As I got on the school bus, I tripped and spilled

the sandwich all over Tommy, you know, TOMMY TOUGH GUY…so that’s how I got

this black eye. It still hurts.

 

All of these can be done by girls or boys.

 

You gotta help me out. I’m running for class President and I need you to listen to my speech. Are ya ready? Ok, here goes: “VOTE FOR ME, ROCK ON!”. You don’t like it? You see, I wanna Rock and I wanna chill, so it’s about finding the perfect Rock to chill ratio. The school will be rockin’ and chillin’. I’m going to win because I’m cursed with charisma. I’m cool, I’m funny, and sorta smart. So “VOTE FOR ME, ROCK ON!”

 

I’ve been pondering life’s mysteries, like, if you are eating tic tacs, and you only have one left, is it a TIC or a TAC? I think about it all the time, and I’m gonna figure it out. You see,  I like this (Boy/Girl) (Jenny/Richie) and I’m planning to make my move this year in school. You don’t think I’m smart enough? Well, ponder this: If you are down to your last M&M, which M is it? It’s profound.  If I solve that, (Jenny/Richie) will fall in love with me. Excellent!

 

I’ve been thinking and if I hold it in any longer I’m gonna explode.  Okay, I’ll tell you, but don’t laugh. Even if you think its funny. Or stupid. Or stupid funny. Or, or, or…Okay. I’m falling in love. I mean I think so. I’ve never actually been in love, but you know that feeling when you get an “A”? Well, this feels ten times better, so it’s gotta be love. I can’t believe this. Dru Smith asked to borrow my pencil. Get it? BORROW MY PENCIL. It MUST be love. I’m SO happy!

 

We’re not lost,  You know, “lost” is just another word for finding something you didn’t know you were looking for.  Listen, you have to relax. We’re in nature. And nature will show us the way. Why don’t you just sit tight while I ask directions from this racoon?  She’ll show me the way.  That way? Ok, Thanks! . See, that was easy, Town is this way. I am one with my inner animal. You think I’m crazy? Yes, I am a little, maybe a lot.

 

Wait,  Why can’t you talk–does your throat hurt? What class are you late for? History? Science? P. E.?  I hate P.E., I don’t even know why people call it that. I feel it could get misunderstood. It could mean pickled eggs or pink elephant. I need some advice. I mean I could go to the guidance counselor, but I don’t like her accent. Where’s she from anyway? I never get to go to the classes I like…What? Sorry, can’t talk, got to go…there’s the bell.

 

(This can be flipped for a boy, too, talking about a girl.)

He’s so gorgeous! There’s this new guy in Chemistry.  I can’t even talk to him. The first time I saw him, he was tying his shoes.  I wanted to introduce myself, but….You know how my voice cracks under pressure.  Yes it still does that. And I didn’t want him to think I was a freak.  I should have talked to him…I want to talk him. Stop pushing me, I’m not going to talk to him….He’s looking over here, he’s smiling. I bet he thinks I’m a freak. Awwwww

 

This morning, during math class, I nodded off. “Sammy, Sammy, I’ve got the answer to the first problem!” Huh? My friend Suzie  was a poodle…weird! “Sammy, help me with number 3…I think I know, but I need some help, yes I do, Uh huh, uh huh. Yeah!” My friend Tommy was a Labrador retriever…I started laughing! “Quiet down back there and work on your problems” My teacher, Mrs. Thomas, was a big old St Bernard… I didn’t want to cause trouble, so I lay my head down on my desk. And when I woke up, everyone was back to normal, but wait… Mrs. Thomas was drooling!

 

When I get a text, I can hear the voices in my head… First, my friend Joan: “Where R U?” So I texted back: “At the mall!” Then  Joseph texted: “Wanna go to a movie? I hear (insert movie name here) is so kewl!” So I text back: “Let me ask my Mom!” Then my crazy friend Suzie texts: “I’ll meet you at the food court!” And then I got a text from my Mom: “You get home RIGHT NOW!” So I texted back “ON MY WAY” And I text Suzie: “Maybe next time” And, when I went home my Mom took my phone away!

 

Last night I dreamt I was a superhero… I was flying through the clouds when I heard a little voice cry: “HELP ME, HELP ME, THERE’S A BIG MONSTER SCARING ME” When I landed…there was a little girl and a scary monster… “ROWR ROWR, I don’t mean to be scary!” The monster was talking. “I just need friends” And the little girl stopped crying and suddenly said: “I love my big scary monster” And suddenly her Big brother ran up and said “I’m glad your OK, I was so scared for you, I’ll treat you nicer after this!” And the Monster said: “Let’s all be friends”… And we were friends, so I flew off into the sunset… When I woke up, I was all wet, like I had been flying through a cloud!

 

It’s dinnertime, and I’m starving.  “MOM, MOM I’m hungry.” Suddenly  Jackie, my Jack Russel terrier jumps up. “Ruff, Ruff…Play with me, play with me…here’s my ball, throw it for me…huh, huh? Ruff, Ruff”.   Bristol, our cat says “ROUWWWLLL…something is “wrong” with that dog!” .Then my sister SARAH chimes in. “You are such a pain! Mom’s on her way with pizza!”  So I say “SHUT UP, SARAH!” and she answers “BITE ME!” and  Dad comes in. “Did someone say pizza?”.. Then Mom yells  “PIZZA, PIZZA, PIZZA” and we all sit down for a pizza dinner.

 

Ok, Marsha Simms likes Henry Sopa and they were sitting across from each other at lunch. Henry said something stupid and Marsha threw her lunch all over him and it hit our table too! Vincent and I tried to get out of the way, but they were throwing food all over and we were stuck in the middle of a huge food fight mess. After we got hit with the full tray of food, I just threw it back at Marsha and yelled…WHERE’S YOUR MANNERS???? Because she didn’t have any manners…. Then it REALLY started. See, I’m innocent.

 

Mom Look, a cute little dog…poor thing. Can we take her, Mom? I want to call her Grace. No? Oh now I’m sad.  But we were talking about a dog, and Dad loves dogs, and Charley loves dogs… What’s that Grace? (she listens to the dog). Uh huh, uh, huh, I’ll tell her. She says that she’ll be the best dog ever and only eat scraps and, (listens to dog again) and she’ll love you forever. Mom, what do you say? Those were her words! I knew you’d say yes!

 

CONGRATULATIONS, you’re our TENTH  CUSTOMER TODAY….DUH DUH DUH DA DA (Like a trumpet flourish). YOU get your pick of the most delicious GUMMYs EVER! Aren’t you excited? GREAT! These giant fruity gummies are like swimming in fresh fruit after you’ve spent all day in the hot sun chasing terrorists!  So REFRESHING….they are DELICIOUS, like getting hit with a shotgun full of flavor….BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM….where are you going?…what did I say wrong?

 

I didn’t make this mess. I don’t know how all this spaghetti got on the walls. Maybe it was Susie, she’s a messy three year old…Party, no way.  What do you mean too big a mess? You don’t believe me? (GRABS HEAD): Oh, no, Chorkle, go away, Chorkle. (MAKING ALIEN SOUNDS): YBBRRRLFMC, Brrrwps, gorvle…(ALIEN LIKE): BRRVTSOM… I am Chorkle, Sam is innocent. Aliens partying on earth.  I am from the planet Vercivus…signing off! Bye bye! (Alien salute)  (GRABS HEAD AGAIN) I’m back, Mom, Chorkle’s gone. WHO MADE THIS MESS??? Whoa! —–Grounded? Grounded?!!!

 

I’m bored.  Let’s escape…Let’s blow this place…let’s bizzounce out of here, we’ll amscray and have fun instead. Let’s go to Blizz for Yogurt. Is everyone in?  OK, we’ll act like we are all going to the bathroom, so if a teacher sees us, we have our story together. Then we’ll climb out the bathroom window and meet outside. Problems? Let me think.(THINKS) I know, Des will go last and keep watch while we escape. Then we’ll head to blizz and chill.  They have ipads there so we can play games and eat yogurt. Then, during lunch, we’ll sneak back in…nobody will know.  Is it a plan? OK, Let’s go!

 

Excuse me, are you calling me a loser? You are?  Well, this is awkward. You think I’m always awkward?  I’m afraid you’re thinking of the old me, my friend. (Whispers to Camera) Not really my friend….(Back full voice again) I’m a new breed now. I’ve got the eye of the tiger. A fighter, a champion… Hear me roar. What do you think about that? FIRE, where? (Like a scaredy little kid) FIRE?!?!?! THERE’S A FIRE?!!! False alarm? You are such a jerk!— I’m back to being cool, now— cool, yes I am.

 

GIRLS:

What’s the deezy yo? Sheesh, I’m trying to cover up this nasty A-S-S pimp on my face ‘cause I’m in love with a hottie with a body. Yeah, this girlfriends getting some action here.  Like my dress? Sexy, huh? My boy? His name is Pete and he’s got rock hard abs. You know Pete? Huh? What you sayin’? He’s your boyfriend? What the eff? You’re a crazy bee, girl. Pete is looking at the future, girlfriend. Your trains all rusty and tired! He wants new blood. That’s me. My train is all greased, no rust here.  If I could just hide that pimple! Look out Pete, here I come!

 

My friend froggy was mad

“RIBBIT, RIBBIT, SOMEBODY TOOK MY APPLE JUICE”

he bellowed.

“NYUK, NYUK, CALM DOWN”

yelled Chippy, his girfriend.

She was always telling him to calm down.

Then Catnip chipped in

“MEOW, MEOW, I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS”

I just sat and listened and quietly took another sip of  apple juice. Life is fun when you just chill out —and sneak a little juice.

 

Aunt Sallie’s house? Get real, she’s always pinching me on the cheek and trying to kiss me and she says “Hows my little moochie moo?” like I’m still two years old. And cousin Ross, he’s all “Nyuh, Nyuh, I’m hungry. Let’s eat peanut butter and mustard sandwiches.” And that little Rosie is such a pain, she BITES! And she keeps yelling “I’m a muffin, I’m a muffin, watch me dance!”…So Mom, Dad, let’s not go to Aunt Sallie’s. OK? OK? This stinks!

 

I’m having a “CAT” ‘Tastrophe!  Noodles, my kitten, out of nowwhere used my bed for a cat box. I’m sure  it was an accident but— I got mad and put Noodles outside, and he disappeared. Not only that, but now my other cat, Nippers, copied Noodles. EEEEW, it stinks. So then I set Nippers outside, and Nippers disappeared too. I’ve looked all over the neighborhood for them. Nippers is black with white spots and Noodles is white with black spots. Nippers and Noodles…Help, I have a “CAT-tastrophe.”!